The pain in Your eyes

So hard to fathom the pain in Your eyes
As You’re watching Your children, doing what You despise
In pursuit of our own
We just go round and round
Another nail to our cause
We continue to pound
So hard to fathom, oh, the feelings inside
As You’re watching Your people choosing to die
–part of Simply Nothing by Shawn McDonald

as Christians, we go through up and downs. it’s a natural part of a progressing spiritual life. this brings me to a verse that smacked me in the face recently.

Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall.
1 Corinthians 10:12

i thought i was standing pretty well. i was on top of things spiritually this semester. i have never felt so close to God, and honestly getting rid of most of the ‘big’ sins that i knew about in my life. i was working down that funnel to perfection through Christ. God was shaping me and molding me like never before into the man He wants me to be. but guess what i did? i got busy. i left 2 of my Bibles at home, so the perfect excuses not to read. i did want to read, but i got so busy it was a lift off of my mind not to. my spiritual life at the end of this semester plained off. i didn’t really notice it until things came crashing down spiritually. old temptations that i didn’t have trouble with before now took much effort to not give in. my mind became a difficult animal to control. my life spiritually was falling apart, of my own accord, and i was slow to realize…

…until i learned the hard way. i got back into old sin that i though i had a foot on and conquered. boy was i wrong! i’ll explain below.

the hard way seems to be my chosen way to learn, and i hate it. the pain it brings me is immense, but God still uses it to mold me and shape me into i am to be. usually once i learn the hard way i don’t make the same mistake twice, because i know how terribly hard it is to make that mistake and the toll it takes on me. this brings me to the pain i’ve felt over the sins that i’ve committed. it has felt like someone has stabbed me in the heart and ripped it out. it feels like my best friend stabbed me in the back. it feels like a loved one dying. all of this at once. on top of all this i realize how much of a worthless, decrepit, sinful human being i am. it is humbling. it is amazing because it reminds me of God’s grace given to me, and the rest of humanity (which by the way Christmas should remind us of this…instead of a cute baby in a manger…it’s good but gets taken too far…anyways..). it amazes me to see what God can do with someone like me. i know this because i learned, like i said the hard way, what life is like without God in control. i became the one that was in control of my mind (theologically speaking we are the only ones…you make your own choices and that’s how i got to where i was) without the strength of God. i found out that my thoughts were hard if not impossible to control. without God, my mind is a mad animal to put that lightly…it is everywhere that is not good. i could tell a difference in myself and an emptiness inside of me.

what i could also tell because of that immense pain also was that i catch a glimpse of the pain that God feels when we sin. i’m glad that i am not God, because i couldn’t bear the pain of humanity sinning and dying without knowing God. my own sin is unbearable enough. but it’s what keeps me going. i strive my hardest with God’s strength so that i can heal from the mistakes i’ve made, learn from them, and become more close to God than ever. it makes me want to seek to be perfected through Christ even more than i can imagine. i cannot wait to see what God does in my life. and please, learn from my example. STAY in God’s Word, keep faithful in prayer, stay strong, and seek to be perfected through Christ so that you do not fail. when you do, be sure to reach for the hand of God to pick you up no matter how worthless you feel. i feel so undeserving praying for forgiveness for a sin that i made the choice to commit. sure, we should feel guilty, but not so worthless that we cannot reach out to God, ask forgiveness, and have Him pick us up again. anything else other than that is from Satan, who tries to tear us away from God even through a false sense of guilt. also, be aware that you aren’t rationalizing committing sin because you know that you can because God will forgive you anyways. this is an awful thing to do, and the Bible strictly warns against this. i’ve done it way too many times. it is an awful place to be, and just don’t go there! please don’t have to learn the hard way like i have. i hope i won’t have to continue to either.

We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ.
Colossians 1:28

I stand astounded by Your unfailing love
Your grace imparted it rings freedom in my soul
So I lift a voice to reach into the heavens
Trying to find a way to say how much I love You

You spoke my world into existence
Designed my mind and soul even knowing
That I would be the one to break Your heart
But you sent Your only son to be our Savior
You sent the living King to be our servant
And bought me with a price I can’t imagine
(2nd Chous)So I belong to You

So let the world crash down all around me
I’m not affected by the words that they spew
I only live to sing, praises to my King
I only live to prove how much I adore You

I belong to You, and no one can take that away…

–I Belong to You by Building 429

also look up..

Empty by Building 429

and i feel “Alive” by Building 429

so to You i belong, the mistakes i make painfully remind me of Your love and faithfulness, and to You my adoration forever will go.

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