A year ago

A Year Ago

Love Break Me – Starfield

Mark me with Your grace
Shape me in Your wisdom
Place in me a heart
Of mercy
Open up my eyes
Let me see Your glory
Lead me to the place
You want me

Love, break me now
Strip me down
May Your beauty
Deep inside of me resound
Through me be found
Come break me now

Guide me in Your truth
Mold me in Your nature
Birth in me a hope
To hold on
Show me how to wait
Teach me how to listen
Be in me the strength
To let go

Break me now…

Love, hear my plea
Rescue me, bring Your peace
I have come to You on bended knee
I’m desperate for Your breath in me
Your ears to hear, Your eyes to see
Set me free, come set me free

Like rain flowing over me…

A year ago I prayed to understand God’s love. There were so many things I knew about Him, yet I felt like I had absolutely no grasp on His love. I felt distant from Him, and He seemed to be almost impersonal to me. I knew He loved me, and I felt like I loved Him, but that deep feeling of connection was missing from my heart. It was in my mind, but far from where I wanted it to be.

Looking back, I was being shown His magnificent love in a season of blessing like I never experienced. My life was great. Yet, I was still praying this prayer to understand His love. I couldn’t see the ways that He was blessing me. I had the desires of my heart and more, and in ways I wouldn’t have thought of. I still didn’t truly understand that He loved me and that I loved Him.

Then my life fell apart. What had blessed me so much slipped through my fingers. My sin was shoved in my face. A life that seemed to be whole was absolutely broken and shattered. I desperately clamored for God in my life. I was being stripped of everything extra in my life that reflected my love of the world rather than my love of God. I felt Him tell me to, in a round about way, to choose my sin or Him. In tears I chose Him, because I had nothing else. I had a terribly broken heart.

My heart over this year has been kept broken, with wounds still fresh and raw. I asked for His work in my life, and for His love to be shown for me. It’s funny, because I didn’t know what kind of prayer I was praying. I was praying the greatest prayer a child of God can pray. He answered my prayer through tearing my heart apart and mending me into the man that He wants me to be. In the depths of my pain, I have seen the love of God in ways I could have never seen otherwise. Going through what I have, I have absolutely no bitterness or regrets. I would still go through this again to learn all that He has taught me about Himself. He has comforted me in my weeping, in my distress, in not knowing what the next days would hold, in many afflictions and temptations. Without His love throughout all of this, I could not have made it past the first day.

His desire is to show us His love

The more they were called,
the more they went away;
they kept sacrificing to the Baals
and burning offerings to idols.

Yet it was I who taught Ephraim to walk;
I took them up by their arms,
but they did not know that I healed them.

I led them with cords of kindness,
with the bands of love,
and I became to them as one who eases the yoke on their jaws,
and I bent down to them and fed them.

How can I give you up, O Ephraim?
How can I hand you over, O Israel?
How can I make you like Admah?
How can I treat you like Zeboiim?
My heart recoils within me;
my compassion grows warm and tender.

I will not execute my burning anger;
I will not again destroy Ephraim;
for I am God and not a man,
the Holy One in your midst,
and I will not come in wrath.

They shall go after the LORD;
he will roar like a lion;
when he roars,
his children shall come trembling from the west

And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?
“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.

For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives.”

It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?

“Come, let us return to the LORD;
for he has torn us, that he may heal us;
he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.

After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will raise us up,
that we may live before him.

Let us know; let us press on to know the LORD;
his going out is sure as the dawn;
he will come to us as the showers,
as the spring rains that water the earth.”
Hosea 11:2-4, 8-10; Heb. 12:5-7; Hosea 6:1-3

In giving me this kind of love, I have a beautiful picture now. I have a picture of His mercy and faithfulness, because He has answered my prayers. I would have never ever expected this answer, but that’s how He works. He works beyond our expectations to bring about more good than we could have ever thought. All my pain and all I have gone through has brought out much more good than I could ever have imagined. I’ve never walked closer with Him, I love Him more than ever. I know He is my God, and I am His son. I will do anything for Him, and go through the depths of suffering alone to do His will. His kingdom matters so much more. My reward is with Him in heaven, and in light of eternity I don’t have much time here. I want to serve Him all I can to the best of my ability.

I trust Him so much. I’ve come close to two kinds of death this year many times – spiritual and physical. Through both of these God has abundantly rescued me. I have been given so much life after coming so close to death. I was on the verge of dying in my sins. In my deepest darkest, most hopeless moments I was given a shining Light of hope. I traveled over mountains in blizzard conditions and made it without a scratch. He gave me physical health and safety when I shouldn’t have had any under all of my stress. He rescued me from other people on the road (hahaha) who weren’t paying attention, and guided my driving to keep me safe and whole.

Through all of my adventures, He, the God of the nations, has brought me to this place. How can I not trust Him with all that I am? Not only that, but He has given an abundance in friendships and opportunities to spread this love that He has shown me. He has given me so much more than I could ever have thought.

He has loved me in His teaching, and has given me more than I could ever have asked or imagined. You know what? It is exciting because this is just the beginning. This is just the pre-season before the season, the rehearsal before the play, basic training before the missions. All of it has been intense, but is in preparation to spread His love and glory in ways that would not have been possible before. It is like a new recruit coming into the military. He is undisciplined, and cannot function on a mission designed for those with the best training. After his intense training, he can now do his mission with skill and excellency, and rely on his training that he has endured for so long to prepare him for the mission upon which he is finally embarking.

Over My Head – Starfield

After the words have all been said
After the songs are sung
I realize I’ve only but just begun
Trying to wrap my mind around
Extravagant love come down
Leaves me undone
Finds me with nothing to say

The reach of Your fame
The power in Your name
Your glory surrounds me
It’s over my head
It’s over my head
The shame of the cross
For all that it cost
This friendship astounds me
It’s over my head
It’s over my head

Unquenchable songs and endless praise
A million tongues poised to sing
Could still not convey
The worth that Your name deserves
Beauty for ashes
Joy for pain
Mercy instead of my blame
Ruins me for more
I’m lost in Your presence, Lord


Lost for the words to say
I’m left here in disarray
Waiting for You, waiting on truth
I’ve thrown reason overboard
Knowing that there’s still more
I don’t yet believe, I can’t even perceive
I can’t seem to understand
Can’t seem to find my way
It’s over my head, it’s over my head
Learning this mystery
Trust what I cannot see
It’s over my head, it’s over my head
The wonder of all You’ve made
Foundations Your hands have laid
Bringing me back to my knees, to my knees
I’m lost for the words to say
Lost for another way
Bringing me back to my knees, to my knees
I’m lost for the words to say
Lost for another way
Ruined for anything other than Your love
I’m desperate to know You, Lord
Desperate for what’s in store
Finding my hope in only You, in only You
Take me beyond this door
Lead me to something more
Open my heart up for more of You, more of You

Cry in My Heart – Starfield
There’s a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There’s a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?
(For I’ve been here before
But I know there’s still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You)

For what do I have
If I don’t have You, Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
Of my head
Lifter of this head

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