Light

So tonight I’ve been feeling off, as in I’ve drifted away from my fellowship with God. The past two weeks have been especially long and arduous. It has been one big test, and I’ve grown tired and weary and sick. I feel like I’ve drifted out into sea and lie bobbing in stormy waves alone. I’ve fought doubt and why I’m still here. I feel so unworthy, and human. And that’s it, I am. There is no getting around that. For a while I tried to avoid that, and hated my humanness. I make mistakes, and that’s another thing that I absolutely hated about myself.

So I lay drifting in an ocean way to big and dangerous for me to navigate. I have a tattered sail and a leaky boat. I look into the distance and see a light. My heart wonders, is this really real? Do I really still have hope? I was content drifting in an ocean that was about to swallow me whole. After so many months being dashed and almost washed out of my boat by crashing waves, giving up sounded almost freeing. It sounded like I would have some sort of release, especially after constantly bailing water out of a sinking ship. Just to allow myself to bob on the waves until the end sounded like a nice peaceful end.

As I was considering for just a moment of allowing myself to drift off, I heard a song come on. It’s called Light by Shawn McDonald. It made so much sense to me when I heard it (you may now listen to the song or skip to the bottom and read the lyrics). It seems like I’ve had the world thrown at me again, trying to distract me from my real calling, which is to follow God alone. It’s not to fulfill some ministry, to be encouraging, to write, to go to school, to fulfill my duties, and on and on. All the worries of the world have been thrown at me, including women, finances, time, my calling (aka what I’m going to do with my life), physical problems, and all sorts of other distractions. My calling and duty is to follow and love my God, and the rest of what God wants will come out of that. He will provide just what I need, and He promises good for those that love Him. It’s not by works, but by faith in Him. Whatever works He wants me to do will be a result of my faith. If I do any of those others before Him, I am serving those as my idols instead of Him.

I’ve done well for the most part with some mistakes, it’s been intense. But it has left me drifting an an ocean with the sun beating down on my body wet from the last storm. My clothes are tattered, I’m sunburned, and I’m hungry. I’m hungry for Him. This has shown me how human I am, and yet again how things in my life that I thought were set (and even what I thought God wanted) could change within a day or a week. Being shown how human I still am isn’t as depressing or bothersome anymore. It shows me how much I desperately need Him. In my weakness of the flesh I can cling to Him with all I have to get me through my temptations that I will face here.

It’s cool how we can be so dependent on one who is so unfailing. It’s not like we are depending on a husband, wife, bf/gf, friend, or family. They will make mistakes and they can’t always be around to comfort and give advice. They can’t always be there in a moments notice, especially when we are weak and don’t even feel like dialing a phone number on speed dial or sending out a quick text.

He is right here for us all the time, and in our weakest moments we don’t even have to speak aloud to anyone. We can whisper a desperate prayer of help to the One that will hear us day and night. In the silence He will whisper words of comfort as we flip through pages of His words. We see others who have gone through many afflictions. We can read the Psalms of David, who cries out in the beginning, and in the end praises God. We can read Hosea, and find that He tears in order to mend. We can read about Israel, and discover God’s heart and mercy for a lost nation. We can read about Jesus passion for us, and see how the saints suffered persecution under the Roman government. We come to a God who actually answers prayers and speaks, instead of the mute idols of friends, relationships, money, drugs, classwork, ministry, spirituality, sports, music, things, and on and on.

Those things can’t speak to you in a way that only God can. Those things know no language other than their own, whereas God has one all His own that He speaks to us. That language is His character, in complete perfection. Those other things can at most depict parts of Him. Actually seeking Him gives us the ability to access the complete God of the universe. This should inspire some awe at the mercy and humility of one who would even allow us to draw near to Him in the ways that we can. Yet, He loved us and even died for us. It’s a love we can only imagine how deep it is. Not only that, but we can’t ever forget to recount how good He is to us. Though I feel alone sometimes, I know God has provided me with many great friends and great support. He provides all I need and so much more! He has been so incredibly good to me even during the rough times! I don’t deserve any of it, but that’s where His mercy, grace, and love shine down. How much more good will He be when the storms calm!

It has also shown me how deep the fire is within my bones. Even when the rest of my body is cold, something almost ‘primal’ within me is stirred to keep going. I’m eager, as tired as I am, to grab my broken paddle and start going towards the light I see in the distance. I don’t care how far away it is, I know I’ll get there. And when I get there, I will find rest. Until then, I know I will have the strength to sweat out each grueling stroke and man the sails. He will guide me back to the light, no matter how far I drift into the ocean that is this world. His wondrous Light.

Light by Shawn McDonald

And I will be the lighthouse in your sea
That’s guiding you home
And I will be the lamp unto your feet
When you roam

Just cling to Me
And I’ll set you free

I will be the light
When the world is blinding out your sight
I will be the light
When it’s all getting blurry and covering up your eyes
I will be the light
I will be the light

I will be the sun up in your sky
That’s keeping you alive
I will be the headlights in your night
When you drive

Just cling to Me
And I’ll set you free

I will be the light
When the world is blinding out your sight
I will be the light
When it’s all getting blurry and covering up your eyes
I will be the light

I will be the light in your night
When you lose your way, you lose your sight
I will be the light in your night
When you don’t know which way to go
I will be the light in your night
When you lose your way, you lose your sight, oh

I will be the light
When the world is blinding out your sight
I will be the light
When it’s all getting blurry and covering up your eyes

And I will be the light
And I will be the light
And I will be the light
When the world is blinding out your eyes
I will be the light

Clarity by Shawn McDonald

Well I’m just a simple man with a simple plan
Trying to find my way home
And this dusted way with nothing left to say
I stagger and I roam

And I’m tired and I’m worn and my clothes are kinda torn
From this long hard road
My arms and legs are weak, I continue to seek
And leave behind this load

I need clarity and truth to be
And peace to make me whole
I want freedom to come and hate to be done
And love to guide my soul

I want love, yeah, I want love

Standing on the battle line
I fight for my mind aching to be free
This war that I face as I long to embrace
And be with my King

And this fire in my soul, desire to be whole
Is deep within my bones
And I long to be near as I cast away my fear
Running for your throne

I need clarity and truth to be
And peace to make me whole
I want freedom to come and hate to be done
And love to guide my soul

Yeah, I want love, I want love
I want love, I want love
Yeah, I want
I want

I want clarity and truth to be
And peace to make me whole
I want freedom to come and hate to be done
And love to guide my soul

Yeah, I want love, yeah, I want love
Yeah, I want love, yeah, I want love
Yeah, I want love, yeah, I want love
Yeah, I want love, yeah, I want love
I want

I don’t know
I don’t know

Shadowlands by Shawn McDonald

The Lord thy God is my Shepherd
And in Him I shall not want
He leads me beside still water
And He restores my soul

And even though I walk through the valley of the shadows
I will fear no evil
And even though my enemy is camped upon my chest
I will fear no evil

The Lord thy God is my Shepherd
And in Him I shall not want
He leads me into green fields
Lays my head down to rest

And even though I walk through the valley of the shadows
I will fear no evil
And even though my enemy is camped upon my chest
I will fear no evil
I will fear no evil

And even though I walk through the valley of the shadows
I will fear no evil
And even though my enemy is camped upon my chest
I will fear no evil

I will fear no evil
I will fear no evil
I will fear no, fear no, fear no
Fear no evil

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