That is a good question. My heart is in a state of chaos and confusion. After so long of forgoing the illustrious appeal of living in sin, I have again whet my tongue with its poison. I don’t know where I am going with this, so bear with me. It’s hard to believe that I have once again come to this place and am writing this in this fashion, but I must.
After going through the roughest year of my short stay on earth, drawing near to God in pain, confusion, destitution, uncertainty, and the like was easy. It is such a paradox in lieu of looking at what I went through. In a time when everything possible should have ripped me apart from God, those things instead drew me closer. I felt a nearness to Him I’ve never felt in my life.
Now here I am in the easiest time I’ve had in a very long time. Yet, like many times forewarned by myself and others, I find myself floundering in the easy times. At times I desperately wish for something difficult to pop up so I’ll draw near to Him like I’ve grown so accustomed to over the past year. I know this isn’t the answer at all, but my heart is desperate for anything. At the same time, it’s beginning to harden. That is what scares me most. I don’t want to become who I was before. I hate the way I was, and seeing that come back within myself deeply bothers me. I was rescued from that life by His grace, and now I am beginning to spit on it by my choices when things aren’t so bad. It’s easier for me to think I can do things on my own. Before, I was in a state of desperation where I knew only He could give me life for the next moment. Now I seem to have an entire gray future ahead of me where choices lie at my feet for me to make. It is much easier to choose my way instead of His.
I’ve never said I have everything figured out. I’m still learning every day. One of the most humbling things is still making mistakes, and I make plenty. I’m learning that probably one of the hardest times to serve Him is when life is on cruise. Like I alluded to earlier, many have said this. These words have come from my own mouth. There is nothing nailing me to Him, it now comes down to my conscious choice to keep my focus on Him. It’s a different story coming out of a rough stage into an easier one, having been cleansed from so much I put myself through. In the past, I had never truly gave up the sin that I was enslaved to. Now I have, and it was easy to leave it at the cross when I had so many other things to worry about. Things are easy now, so it’s easier to run back to the cross and pick up what I had left there.
Now here is where I have to put feet to my words. Do I write this and continue sinning against the God who has lovingly answered my prayers to learn how to love Him? Do I forget months of molding me and shaping me into the man He wants me to be? I am afraid I am on the verge of another choice, either to forget it and destroy something beautiful, or continue to live under His grace and mercy finding myself restored in His love. I think my answer and choice are clear, yet there is that twinge in my flesh that doesn’t want that. It wants to pull away from God like a dog from his master chasing after a thrown frisbee. Yet I recall this:
Do you not know that in a race all the runners compete, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.
~1 Corinthians 9:24-27
This is where something else I’ve learned during this time comes into play: the need of the Body. I cannot keep going without the support of the Body. That is friendship, prayer, and just being there. God has blessed me so much with great friends who come along side me. To you all, I am very thankful. You and I will not understand how much it means in light of eternity. The way God uses us to mold each other into who we need to be to spread His Kingdom here on earth is so incredible.
So will I keep on falling in a downward spiral? I pray not. I am determined with as much strength as I can muster at the moment to not let this happen. I need your prayers and the strength of the Spirit. I cannot keep myself from falling on my own. I fell where I am because I was relying on myself. Pray that we all find our sufficiency only through Him. It’s the only way through all times in life that we can keep our eyes on Him. We need to realize that in ALL times in life that we need Him. He is an awesome Rock when the waves are crashing all around, but if we must bask in the sun let us not bask on the sandy beach that still washes away with the small waves. Let us still bask on our Rock.