For most of the seasons I’ve been through in my life… this is who I’ve been and who I am right now. Also, like always I’ve probably missed stuff and will add stuff later.. just like this part!
…sometimes it’s (writing) been pretty scary and humbling. Most of this is admitting my failure to the world, down to most bits. God pries open my heart and bears it to the world. My life is out there for all to see. If you want to know a very very detailed life story and see most of my spiritual journey… read what I’ve written since I’ve started. My Notes started off as Bible study notes I couldn’t resist or stop sharing… I wanted people to know that stuff. He grew this gift in me and grew me in boldness and then into basically sharing most anything no matter how humiliating or whatever… so that He can use it to bring people closer to Him. My life has been used as an example and an open book. I’m ok with that, it just sucks cause I’m not perfect… in a perfectionist’s mindset in how I would like to conduct myself. Like Paul in Romans 7. Thankfully He is continually patient and teaches me Romans 8 constantly… because I oft forget what has come before and after my struggles. I think that is who I am as a writer, a broken man striving to be a good perfectionist who can’t do anything without grace. As such, to help people grow closer to Christ who deal with a lot of what I do my life is flailed open so that they can see His work in me… so that He can receive the glory that is due. I alone on the other hand just conjecture and ramble on on my own like I am here…
…it gets difficult when I want to see results, and scary when people tell me to write a book (got that today even). It’s easy to want the attention, the fame, the spiritual prowess that comes with writing things that change lots of people’s lives. I’m no John Piper or Francis Chan or Ravi Zacharias… by far. Yet, I still deal with this on this small level on a blog that most likely averages one view a day. Sometimes I wish I could talk to them and gather how they deal with this. Especially one like John Piper who has published so many books, not including the vast ministry God has given him. I know the easy answer is humility and knowing where our gifts come from. I want it to be more than an easy answer for me, I want that to be my way of life as a person and a writer.
I no longer want to distract myself from my original intent of my heart and where this gift originated from Him… the yearning for people to know the Christ that I know.