I don’t think this will be long, but I had a realization about myself.
If there is anything I reference the most, it’s how I reminisce about how I used to be. Used to be really close with Jesus. Used to be more mature (haha). Used to be confident. Used to be, used to be.
When I’ve looked at my present self over the years, I didn’t like it. So I looked back.
I get caught in this loop, and I think a part of it is grieving. Grieving my mistakes. Grieving that I used to “get it.” Grieving I’ve lost 5+ years to this feedback loop.
In grief, there are stages. I haven’t made it to the end of those. I’ve been stuck in the anger, depression, denial, even shock at the change in me. I haven’t been able to accept and turn to Hope.
I think that’s changing, though. Weirdly enough, it’s been through sports I’ve seen this the most poignantly. Learning a new sport, I make a ton of mistakes and I’m my head I don’t think I should make them… But my body says otherwise.
I. Get. So. Mad.
Like cursing under my breath trying not to throw my expensive new equipment and embarrass myself more kind of mad. Because of a game? Because I’m making mistakes?
There it is. All those little mistakes that I hate. That I hate about myself and I shove down so that I can grieve later about how I made them. I grieve that I even wasted my time going out, because my mistakes made me so upset. And then I’m upset about being upset.
Jesus, I think you’re touching on something big, here. A pattern I’ve been repeating for a while, now. Can you reach in and help me accept myself for who I am and who You made me? I mess up a ton, Jesus. I get so mad, depressed, and ashamed about it. I get stuck on remembering that I used to understand at one point. Now I don’t, Father. Can You keep me here in the present with you? Can you teach me what I can do, now?
Amen. Let it be true.