My fundamental question

What do I want next?

My life has slowly formed around this question. It started as a reaction to being wounded. After caring and giving myself completely to people, I was severely hurt by them. My defenses came up, and instead of asking how I can love and give I asked how I could protect. I asked how I can make boundaries around my soul so that pain wouldn’t come roaring back. Betrayal is a grave wound on my heart.

I’m much more reserved and relatively content with lacking investment. It’s an easy mask to wear when it comes so naturally now. It hurts sometimes, and there is a slightly painful emptiness. That pain of betrayal isn’t there though. I haven’t allowed it the space to exist.

I’m so quick to turn my eyes down to the people and circumstances around me… Focusing on the gravity of how I’ve been wounded in bitterness.

What changes when I ask how I can look outside of myself? What changes when I grasp my full identity as His child, that has always been loved and never abandoned? What happens when I pick my eyes up?

It feels like so much effort. It’s so.much.easier to not make the effort and be comfortable. Comfortable in my lack of growth. Comfortable in my sin. Comfortable.

I miss so many things when I’m not relationship with You. I’m sorry for that. There is so much richness I fail to see. Jesus, can You prompt me with the questions to get my focus outside of myself, my pleasure, my happiness, my satisfaction? Can I find my happiness and identity in You? Can I learn joy from You? Thank You for being my gracious Father. Thank You that You are kind and patient with me.

Let it be so, amen.

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